The World Can Be A Cruel Place
by Benefluff Cumberpuff
Summary: Dan has to try and learn to cope with the loss of his best friend Phil, but will he manage to pull through?...
1. The Numbness

With his arms wrapped around his legs, on the mushy earth covered with soggy leaves Dan sat. He had been staring into space for at least the past twenty minutes. He visited this place everyday. He didn't know what to do with his life since it happened. Phil was gone and Dan would never be able to see him again.

Initially Dan hadn't been able to stop crying but now all he felt was emptiness. He couldn't cry; there wasn't enough energy left in him to cry. There were no more tears. He hadn't spoken in days; he hadn't eaten in even longer. He couldn't feel the bitterly cold wind against his face and body as winter crept ever closer. He just sat there, on Phil's fresh grave, being close to the headstone, staring into space, unable to think about anything. His mind was numb. His body was numb.

He came out of his daze, and ran his hands through the grass and damp earth. Digging his fingers into the ground and squeezing. The grass was too green. It had too much life in it. It was disrespectful to flash such vitality around Phil's final resting place. Dan began to furiously rip and pull up the grass and earth around him until he had formed a sort of moat around him. He stopped and went back to staring at nothing.


	2. The Funeral

Dan had attended the funeral. He had showered and dressed in silence. His mum had come to the apartment to take him to Phil's parents house where the hearse and hearse party would depart together for the church. When they arrived at Mrs. Lester's everyone exchanged solemn greetings and sat waiting in the living room. Mrs. Lester was desperately asking if anyone needed anything, her state of shock and grief causing her to flit around and try to distract herself from the pressing situation.

He funeral cars pulled into the drive way and the hearse stopped on the road. Dan glanced out of the window and saw Phil's coffin through the glass of the hearse. He ran to the bathroom and threw up in the toilet, bringing up only bile, as he hadn't eaten for a few days. Silent tears were streaming down his face. He couldn't stop shaking. This was actually happening. Phil was really dead. His decaying body was in the coffin outside. He jumped as he felt a hand gently rubbing his back.

"It's okay sweetie, we can get you through this. Come on," his mum said, hooking her arm under his and helping him to stand. They walked back into the hallway. Mrs. Lester was smiling but had panic in her eyes, "right, shall we do this then?" Dan knew he should comfort her and let her know she didn't have to be strong for everyone else today, she was allowed to show her emotions and break down if she needed to. But he couldn't, he'd lost the ability to speak.

The journey to the church was mostly quiet, apart from a relative of Phil's who clearly couldn't handle the silence and kept trying to make jokes. This was not appreciated but nobody said anything as everyone has their own way of grieving. When they finally arrived to the local church they saw a large sea of people, all dressed in black. The fans. Dan had forgotten. When it was announced that Phil had passed word spread through the Phandom like some sort of plague. Dan had received countless letters and messages with condolences and commiserations. The time and place of the funeral had been leaked but Phil's family had asked for people to not turn up out of respect for the loved ones affected.

When it was time for them to enter the church, if Dan had been himself he would have noticed that the mass of people did not enter the church but stayed outside to allow the family some privacy. As soon as he stepped through the front doors Dan looked to the altar and saw Phil's coffin. Dan took a seat on the front row between Martyn and his mum. Prayers were said, hymns were sung, and poems were recited. The vicar had spoken to the family and friends and family of Phil and written his own speech, saying how happiness and compassion radiated from Phil during his life. How his life had touched many others. Dan wasn't paying attention, he couldn't concentrate, but he heard his name flit through the air in the vicars speech. His mum squeezed his hand and wiped her eyes with a tissue.


	3. The Scream

They lowered Phil's coffin into the ground. Dan could hear Phil's mum gently sobbing into her husbands shoulder.

When it was Dan's turn to throw some earth on Phil's coffin Dan had the urge to jump down there with him and lay there, dead, under the earth with Phil forevermore.

Eventually people started to peel away from the group and make their own ways to the wake. Dan's mum said that she'd leave him alone, and see him when he'd made his own way to the wake. Dan stayed knelt in front of Phil's freshly buried grave. Then he felt his body shake from the inside, tears were beginning to pour down his face. His hands gripped his hair and he dug his fingernails into his scalp. Then the scream, which had been building within him, finally ripped from him. He couldn't stop, he didn't want to stop; it was some sort of release that he craved. He knew it couldn't really make him feel better. Nothing could ever do that. He would never feel happiness or pleasure or joy again.


	4. Come on Philly

When Phil had come out as Pansexual he had received a lot of hate from some of his followers, though most were supportive. Dan, of course, had supported him. Though many 'phans' had insisted that Dan could now come out too and reveal that the two were dating, Dan was actually straight. The fact that Phil was pan didn't bother Dan at all, he couldn't see how it would change Phil or their friendship, after all it's not like he woke up that day and decided he felt the way he did, he had always been that way but just hadn't admitted it. Even though Phil's family and Dan had offered him endless support, Phil was finding it difficult to cope with the constant hate and death threats he received. He had turned to drugs.

Dan didn't realise this was happening until he found Phil in a terrible state after coming home a day early from a friends who he was supposed to be staying with for a few days. Phil had overdosed and if Dan hadn't found him and called an ambulance Phil would have died there and then. Instead, Phil died almost a year after this from a heart condition his extensive drug use during this difficult time had caused. For months Phil had been suffering with unexplained fainting. But he had been mentally repairing and Dan had started to believe that the worst was behind them, that Phil would pull through this and maybe even start making videos again. One night Phil had passed out in their flat, Dan had called an ambulance and waited, supporting Phil's head in his lap. When the medics arrived Dan rode in the ambulance, holding Phil's hand, feeling his weak pulse desperately trying to cling on to life.

"Come on Philly, you can make it through this." Dan was not allowed through to theatre but stayed in the waiting area. He switched between nervously pacing the small yellow room and sitting bouncing his leg for almost an hour. He had just started pacing the room again when a woman in blue scrubs came into the room. Her face was kind and understanding, too understanding.

"Mr. Howell?" She asked.

"Yes, why? Where's Phil? Is... Is he alright? Can I see him?" Dan replied.

The woman walked over to him and said, "I think you should take a seat." Dan couldn't move. That's what people always said when the worst happened. But no… No that couldn't be right. Phil was just down the hall wasn't he? Propped up in some communal ward like he had been every other time he had passed out and Dan was unable to wake him…

"Philip took a turn for the worse and eventually his heart gave up. I'm sorry. You should know that if you need to talk to someone, a grievance counselor for instance, we have an excellent team at your disposal."


	5. Mercy

It was dark in the graveyard and the stars and moon shining brightly cast the only light. Dan's mouth was completely dry. When had he last had a drink? He couldn't remember; it could have been days for all he knew. He knew if Phil were here he would have taken him home and made him drink something. But Phil was not there; Dan was alone.

Instead, Dan curled up on Phil's grave waiting for the merciful cold hand of Death to grip his soul and drag him into the endless night of oblivion…


End file.
